


dragging baekhyun down

by jiminshoe



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Byun Baekhyun is a Little Shit, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff and Humor, I Blame Tumblr, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Kim Jongdae | Chen is a Little Shit, M/M, Mother Hen Suho, Some Humor, Sweet Park Chanyeol, kyungsoo is protective of his twig, kyungsoo is whipped
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-09-27 22:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17170463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiminshoe/pseuds/jiminshoe
Summary: Junmyeon didn't sign up for this shit, really.Another funny attempt at a crack fic bcos why the hell not. Mom!Myeon





	1. Chapter 1

_lord: u guys_

_lord: i just had my first chicken dinner!!!!_

_lord: arent i amAZinG????_

_jongout: meanie_

_jongout: u couldve invited me idiot!!!_

_jongout: i didnt have chicken for like 3 yrs_

_poisonouscake: i dont think u and sehun are thinkign of the same chicken jongin_

_jongout: what_

_jongout: i cant eAT CHICKEN NOW????? IS THAT IT??!?!?!?_

_lord: cake ur useless_

_poisonouscake: say that to my face when u ask for my credit card bitch_

_jongout: HEY MY SEHUNNIE IS NOT A BITCH U HOE_

_poisonouscake: uGH WHATEVER U 2 ARE USELESS_

  
_luge has entered the chat._

  
_luge: I HAVE ARRIVED_

_xiubaby: oh look i found a snake_

_poisonouscake: #bitter_

_luge: MY #PROTECTSEHUN FEELERS ARE TINGLING_

_xiubaby: the only thing tingling here is my fists_

_poisonouscake: #bitterlevel8_

_jongout: excuse me but who are u_

  
_bybbh has entered the chat._

  
_bybbh: i sense a fight brewing_

_bybbh: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT U HOES_

_poisonouscake: baekhyun go back 2 sleep u need more height_

_bybbh: FUCKING EXCUSE ME DWARF_

_luge: pls boys_

_luge: stop saying the truth_

_jongout: would it count as truth when i say u left my sehunnie hanging in the air when u went away and that u have no right anymore to protect him bcos itS MY FUCKING JOB NOW U ASSHAT_

_lord: jongin………_

_luge: SEHUNNIE COME 2 HYUNG_

_xiubaby: yes sehun come to him and expect another skyfall_

_bybbh: yes xiubaby rubbing salt to the wound_

_poisonouscake: lol_

_bybbh: WHAT DO U WANT ELF_

_poisonouscake: how can a kid possibly give something of importance to me i wonder_

_lord: luhan_

_bybbh: FUCKING_

_luge: yes my sweet boy_

_jongout: SEHUN_

_jongout: U PROMISED_

_xiubaby: he promises to everybody else jongin wake tf up_

_lord: i miss u hyung_

_lord: when are u coming back?_

_jongout: whatever_

  
_jongout has gone offline._

  
_luge: weve talked about this already hun_

_lord: but hyung_

_luge: hun_

_luge: i wont be coming back_

_luge: but im never leaving u okay_

_lord: WHERES THE FUCKING LOGIC IN THAT_

_xiubaby: (since when did sehun get himself acquainted w logic btw)_

_bybbh: FACTS_

_poisonouscake: since baekhyun stopped gaining height_

_poisonouscake: which was like_

_poisonouscake: DECADES AGO_

_bybbh: MEET ME OUTSJDE WHORE U BOUT TO CATCH THESE HANDS_

_poisonouscake: i mean id worry about it bUT CAN U EVEN REACH MY FACE_

_xiubaby: ur one to talk_

_luge: ill find the logic in that when u come here in china hun_

_bybbh: U ARE SUCH A BAD HYUNG CAKE I FUCKING HATE U_

_poisonouscake: crybaby_

_lord: save it_

_lord: i cant do this anymore_

_lord: im hurting myself and im hurting jongin even more_

_luge: HUN_

_luge: DARLING PLS_

_luge: COME HERE_

_luge: BE WITH ME_

_lord: how bout no_

_poisonouscake: this turned out sad really fast what is going on_

_poisonouscake: LUHAN STOP HURTING MY KID_

_bybbh: didnt know u had a kid much less a dick to have 1_

_poisonouscake: ud know about not having a dick when i cut it off later_

_bybbh: s c a r y_

_xiubaby: srsly luhan stop it already_

_xiubaby: ur hurting him even more w this_

_luge: stfu xiumin u petty ass_

_lord: u want me to stay by ur side_

_lord: when u were the one who pushed me off in the first place_

_lord: we couldve been happy_

_lord: i thought id be happy_

_bybbh: since when did u get so poetic_

_lord: but u left_

_luge: HUN PLS_

_lord: and i thought i was gonna die_

_poisonouscake: OH NO NOBODYS GONNA DIE_

_poisonouscake: NOT ON MY WATCH_

_bybbh: ur username is enough reason for me to disapprove of sehun being on ur watch_

_lord: but jongin helped me to breathe again_

_lord: i was drowning but jongin didnt just throw me a lifejacket_

_lord: he dived in the water for me_

_lord: he saved me_

_lord: he saved me from the tides u pushed me into hyung_

_luge: sehun im sorry baby_

_lord: and no im not angry at u_

_bybbh: this is really depressing someone get chanyeol_

_bybbh: for once his loud mouth is actually helpful_

_poisonouscake: shut up_

_poisonouscake: my baby is expressing his feelings_

_poisonouscake: something that hes had a hard time doing so before_

_poisonouscake: this is my proud mom moment nobody stop my fave kid_

_bybbh: ive sent 2 messages and u reply w like a gajillion_

_bybbh: if somebodys interrupting someone its u_

_xiubaby: both of u shut up_

_xiubaby: i wanna see sehun whoop luhans ass_

_bybbh: so that its gonna be urs for real now………_

_xiubaby: shut up dwarf_

_bybbh: WHAT THE SHIT?!??!?!?!_

_lord: im just_

_lord: im_

_luge: UR WHAT HUN_

_luge: WHAT DID I TELL U ABOUT FINISHING SENTENCES_

_lord: im just_

_lord: im just mad at myself_

_luge: oh baby_

_lord: for thinking that nobody was going to stop us_

_lord: for it only to be stopped by ourselves_

_luge: hun i cant_

_luge: idk what to say_

_xiubaby: dumb dumb dumb!!!!_

_lord: but now ive got someone who acts more than think_

_poisonouscake: if someone googled what a jongin is it would be "someone who acts more than think"_

_bybbh: FACT_

_poisonouscake: ur opinion is unwarranted_

_lord: and im thinking_

_xiubaby: woah thats a first_

_poisonouscake: bitch_

_lord: maybe its good_

_lord: bcos the lesser i think about it_

_lord: the lesser i get hurt_

_lord: but i think i love jongin now_

_lord: despite his lack of knowledge in chicken dinner_

_lord: i love jongin hyung_

_luge: are u happy with him?_

_lord: more than i thought i am_

_luge: if this is ur way of telling me to fuck off then its clearly relayed_

_lord: its not_

_lord: id never want u to "fuck off"_

_lord: bcos while u were the reason for my fall_

_lord: u were also the one who taught me how to fly_

_bybbh: if playing pubg will get me a way with words like this then nobody stop me if i play 25/8_

_xiubaby: dumb asshole_

_poisonouscake: expect to not be disturbed_

_bybbh: is this group chat named dragging baekhyun?????!?!?_

_poisonouscake: pls ur not that important_

_luge: i understand hun_

_luge: truly i do_

_lord: ill forever owe u this hyung_

_lord: and ull always have a special place in my heart_  
  
_lord: but jongin_

_lord: he taught me to spread my wings again without being afraid_

_luge: im so happy for u hun_

_luge: we had the best run_

_luge: but we have finished the line already_

_lord: i love you luhan_

_luge: as i do darling_

  
_luge has left the chat._

  
_poisonouscake: ………_

_bybbh: um_

_xiubaby: now ur speechless_

_lord: u can go talk to him hyung_

_xiubaby: ……_

_bybbh: look whos talking_

  
_xiubaby has gone offline._

  
_poisnouscake: anyone want some cake???_

  
_lord has gone offline._

_bybbh has gone offline._

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a round of applause for all the members trying to make a scene

**_private chat. (babyboo and sehun's)_ **

_babyboo: innie?_

_sehun's: im eating wdyw_

_babyboo: no need to be rude_

_sehun's: do u really wanna talk about ME being rude to YOU now???_

_babyboo: i talked to him_

_sehun's: yea and the next thing i know ur on ur way to fucking china_

_sehun's: i cant believe u hun_

_sehun's: but if being w him is what truly makes u happy_

_sehun's: then i dont care anymore_

_babyboo: ur so dramatic_

_babyboo: ur spending too much time w baekhyun_

_sehun's: stfu im just protecting myself from unnecessary pain_

_babyboo: i wanted to tell u that xiumin and luhan are probably gonna be dating now_

_babyboo: and ive got chicken in my room_

_sehun's: ………_

_sehun's: U COULDVE TOLD ME THAT RIGHT AWAY????_

_sehun's: omw_

**_group chat (dragging baekhyun down)_ **

  
_poisonouscake: its time for our weekly family meeting_

_bybbh: eat my shit_

_poisonouscake: id rather die_

_bybbh: r u d e_

_poisonouscake: KIDS_

_poisonouscake: HEED MY CALL_

_poisonouscake: EVERYBODY COME IN_

  
_real_pcy, zhangboy, kimdae, and kyungie has logged on._

 

_kyungie: how do i change my username here??_

_real_pcy: hiiiiiiya ^_^_

_kyungie: pathetic_

_kimdae: oh please kyungsoo u were basically petting him 2 secs ago_

_kyungie: whats ur point_

_real_pcy: hey soo ^____^_

_kyungie: pathetic x78_

_bybbh: where are the others?_

_kyungie: up ur ass_

_kimdae: chanyeol control uR MANS_

_bybbh: my prince charming_

_real_pcy: YES KYUNGSOO IS MY MANS ^_________^_

_poisonouscake: NOW NOW KIDS_

_kyungie: but are we really the kids here joonmyeon?_

_bybbh: get him kyungsoo_

_bybbh: hes been a bitch since 10 million yrs ago_

_kyungie: couldnt be bothered_

_poisonouscake: thats my boy_

_kyungie: stfu im not ur boy_

_real_pcy: YES HES NOT HES MINE_

_kimdae: loLOllOLllOlol_

_real_pcy: RIGHT SOO (“⌒∇⌒”)_

_kimdae: RIGHT SOO??!??!?! FUCKING_

_real_pcy: HEY STOP MOCKING ME U TREX_

_kimdae: THAT THE BEST U GOT TWIG_

_bybbh: FUCKING BURN TO THE GROUND_

_poisonouscake: RIP CHANYEOL U WILL BE MISSED_

_bybbh: NOBODY STOP THEM WHEN DEY FIGHT_

_real_pcy: SOO_

_real_pcy: THEYRE HURTING ME_

_bybbh: UWU IS BBY CHANNIE CRYING_

_kimdae: SOMEBODY GET HIM HIS PACIFIER TO SHUT HIS MOUTH_

_poisonouscake: he can suck on kyungsoos dick instead_

_bybbh: THE MONEY ID PAY_

_kyungie: u see i dont necessarily disagree_

_real_pcy: SOO!!!!!!!_

_kyungie: dont act innocent u one dirty ass motherfucker_

_poisonouscake: U LIL POTTY MOUTH_

_kimdae: u were literally the one who suggested chanyeol to suck kyungsoos dick wdym_

_bybbh: it wouldve been more interesting if chanyeol actually has sucked his dick already_

_real_pcy: who says i havent?_

_kyungie: thats my good boy_

_real_pcy: only for u daddy ヾ（*⌒ヮ⌒*）ゞ_

_kimdae: SOEMONE GET THE MOTHERFYCKINF BLEACG_

_kyungie: i saw u and baekhyun the other day in the kitchen_

_poisonouscake: DID SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING IN MY KITCHEN_

_real_pcy: u dont even cook ⊂( ・ ̫・)⊃_

_poisonouscake: EASILY CLASSIFIED AS CLAIM WITHOUT EVIDENCE_

_kyungie: u set the water on fire earlier_

_kyungie: u burned the noodles yesterday_

_kyungie: remind me about that one time w the butter the other day_

_kimdae: bottom line is_

_kimdae: u_

_kimdae: cant_

_kimdae: motherfucking_

_kimdae: cook_

_bybbh: useless_

_real_pcy: insufficient_

_poisonouscake: would u rather baekhyun cook for u instead?????_

_kyungie: i can just eat chanyeol instead_

_real_pcy: DO KYUNGSOO_

_real_pcy: NOT HERE!!!!!!_

_kimdae: MOTHERFUCK KYUNGSOO_

_bybbh: THE THINGS ID GIVE UP_

_zhangboy: You guys seem to have forgotten about the fact that before the battle of who can and can't cook started, you guys talked about Kyungsoo catching Baekhyun and Jongdae doing the dirty in the kitchen._

_zhangboy: Just passing by, keke._

_poisonouscake: WHY HELLO THERE_

_poisonouscake: ITS GOOD TO SEE U AGAIN SON_

_zhangboy: You can see me?_

_bybbh: FUCKING GREAT_

_poisonouscake: BAEKHYUN ENOUGH W UR CURSE WORDS UR GROUNDED_

_kimdae: u cant ground someone suho who do u think u are_

_kyungie: he pays for our rent stfu_

_real_pcy: soo can u cook?_

_real_pcy: im reaaaaaally huuuuuungry_

_real_pcy: pretty pleeeeeease?_

_kyungie: how bout no?_

_kimdae: u say no_

_kimdae: but i see u making ur way to the kitchen kyungsoo_

_kyungie: not making ur lunch certainly_

_bybbh: u have been deNIED_

_poisonouscake: YIXING_

_poisonouscake: WHERE ARE U_

_poisonouscake: DONT LEAVE_

_poisonouscake: DADA NEEDS U HERE SON_

_zhangboy: I'm pretty certain my Dad is in China, poisonouscake._

_bybbh: sigh_

  
_kyungie has logged off._

  
_poisonouscake: HEY NO LOGGING OFF_

_kimdae: chill out hes making lunch_

_poisonouscake: WAIT LET ME HELP_

_zhangboy: But I thought we were going to have a family meeting?_

  
_poisonouscake has logged off._

  
_zhangboy: Oh, well. I guess I'll go back to China for a while._

_zhangboy: Somebody call me when we have a family meeting, anyone?_

_real_pcy: will do hyung_

_kimdae: HAVE A SAFE TRIP HYUNG_

_bybbh: DONT FORGET OUR PRESENTS_

_real_pcy: GET ME A PET SHEEP PRETTY PLS????_

_zhangboy: I'll see what I can do, friends!_

  
_zhangboy has logged off._

  
_bybbh: WHERE ARE THE MAKNAES_

_bybbh: AND XIUMIN_

_real_pcy: maknaes are in their rooms_

_kimdae: probably fucking so lets rule them out_

_real_pcy: rule them out from what???_

_kimdae: from the fam meeting dUH_

_bybbh: what about xiumin hyung_

_real_pcy: yea hes like the oldest he should be here_

_kimdae: well since ure the youngest among the three of us why dont u go be a dear and call him_

_real_pcy: since ure the noisiest why dont u do it instead???_

_bybbh: ure so mean_

_bybbh: its like whenever kyungsoo isnt around u turn ur sweet mode off and become a raging twig_

_kimdae: how does a twig rage tho_

_bybbh: stfu u noisy bitch_

_kimdae: I WAS JUS ASKING WTF_

_real_pcy: only kyungsoo deserves my sweetness_

_real_pcy: when u bcum kyungsoo tell me and ill play nice_

_real_pcy: until then u can kiss my ass motherfuckers_

  
_kyungie has logged on._

  
_kyungie: hey baek_

_kyungie: whatd u want for dinner_

_real_pcy: HEY SOO_

_bybbh: SPAGHETTI AND STEAK THANKS SOO URE THE BEST_

_kimdae: ur choice of dinner is questionable_

_real_pcy: YES SOO IS THE BEST_

_kimdae: what a two faced bitch_

_kyungie: cool hbu dae_

_kimdae: um_

_kimdae: surprise me???_

_kyungie: cool again_

_real_pcy: HEY SOO ARENT U GONNA ASK ME WHAT I WANT FOR DINNER_

_kyungie: no_

_kimdae: HA KISS MY ASS CHANYEOL HE DONT LOVE U_

_real_pcy: …_

_real_pcy: soo?_

_bybbh: stfu chnayeol u worthless_

_kyungie: shut it u three_

_kyungie: som1 go get sehun and jongin dinner will be done in 30 mins they should be done fucking by then_

_bybbh: Y U SO cr00d_

_real_pcy: *crude_

_real_pcy: ARENT I SMART SOO??_

_kyungie: pretentious_

  
_kyungie has logged off._

  
_bybbh: rip chanyeol_

_kimdae: brb gotta record the maknaes_

_real_pcy: i h8 all of u_

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chanyeol is a sad puppy and kyungsoo baits him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aloha!!!!! this chapter will be solely dedicated to chansoo (i love them)

_private chat. (chanyeollie and scary penguin)_

_chanyeollie: hey soo_

_chanyeollie: are u still up soo?_

_chanyeollie: i mean_

_chanyeollie: its okay if ur not :)_

_chanyeollie: baek and dae and i probably tired u out at dinner keke_

_scary penguin: chanyeol_

_scary penguin: were literally in the same bed wtf do u want_

_chanyeollie: oH_

_chanyeollie: urE AWAKE???_

_scary penguin: idk aM I_

_scary penguin: this is stupid why dont we just talk_

_chanyeollie: but im more comfortable texting u this soo :(_

_chanyeollie: and baek and dae are probably still awake and listening to us outside by the door_

_chanyeollie: and they just keep on making fun of me bcos they think im the only one in this 'relationship' and that im the only one invested in it_

_chanyeollie: they say it almost everyday and at first i laughed it off bcos u always show me how much u love me and i doubt u and ur feelings_

_chanyeollie: but sometimes_

_chanyeollie: they get too much_

_chanyeollie: its get too much and i think about us and maybe theyre right_

_scary penguin: yeol_

_scary penguin: are u serious right now_

_chanyeollie: yes i am kyungsoo_

_chanyeollie: i dont wanna be but fuck yes i am_

_scary penguin: are u actually crying right now?_

_chanyeollie: no_

_scary penguin: ok u are_

_scary penguin: ok so listen here twig_

_chanyeollie: im not a twig and im bigger than u_

_scary penguin: tell that to ur dick now stfu and listen_

_chanyeollie: rude but ok_

_scary penguin: i love you_

_chanyeollie: i_

_scary penguin: fuck u listen to me for once_

_scary penguin: i love you_

_scary penguin: and i'll show u just how much i do after giving u a speech so just be patient_

_scary penguin: i love you and no amount of stupidity from u will ever change that bcos as crazy as it sounds…i love your stupidity_

_scary penguin: i love the fact that u trip on ur tied shoelace or that u say big words even when u dont know what they mean bcos ure stupid_

_scary penguin: and it makes me so protective over u bcos u just deserve all the good things even with ur stupid ass_

_scary penguin: i love ur recklessness_

_scary penguin: i love it so fucking much bcos it just gives me more reason to look out for you and comfort u when u need it_

_scary penguin: i love ur voice_

_scary penguin: i love how hoarse it sounds after either u singing ur heart out or night of loving_

_scary penguin: i love ur eyes and how big it gets when i give u a gift or when i kiss u on ur lips and cheeks_

_scary penguin: youre so beautiful chanyeol it hurts_

_scary penguin: and im gonna kill baekhyun and jongdae and any other person for making u feel less loved_

_scary penguin: youre so fucking beautiful baby dont even think for a second i think otherwise_

_*****_

 

chanyeol hides his face on his boyfriend's neck and kyungsoo, bless his poor heart, feels hot tears on the part of his neck that chanyeol is using as a pillow.

kyungsoo tightens his hold on chanyeol's body and rubs his fingers softly on the older boy's waist. "don't cry, yeol. i hate it when you cry," he tells his boyfriend as his heart threatens to beat out of him from so much love for this boy in his arms.

"kyungsoo," chanyeol rasps, voice hoarse and feeling full and so, so loved from his usually quiet boyfriend's declaration of love. "soo, please."

kyungsoo kisses the crown of chanyeol's head and smiles gently. "i got you, sweetheart."

in the dead of the night, chanyeol cries some more and kyungsoo kisses him even more.

"i shouldn't be telling you this, but…i've got a car in the parking lot, a pack of chips in my stash in my room, a full playlist of songs, and too much love in my heart for you," kyungsoo starts and sees chanyeol revealing his face from its hiding place in kyungsoo's neck. chanyeol looks at him as if he just bought him the most expensive guitar in the world and kyungsoo is in love again, again, and all over again.

"wanna go for a drive, baby? you can pick the songs and i'll drive around."

  
(kyungsoo drives as far south as possible and chanyeol has a full tummy of chips and drinks and he's probably going to have a bad case of stomachache tomorrow, but he doesn't care one bit. he looks at kyungsoo in the driver's seat looking so beautiful and at peace and chanyeol is in love again, again, and all over again.)

((baekhyun and jongdae mysteriously doesn't get out of their rooms for three days straight until chanyeol kindly and confusedly asks them to come out.

"why were you guys in your room for three days? are you sick?"

jongdae perks up. "why don't you ask your petty boyf-" baekhyun nudges jongdae's ribs hard enough to earn him an annoyed whine until he sees what baekhyun was looking at.

do kyungsoo is a one, scary man.

"we were playing hide and seek from sehun."))

  
(((kyungsoo ends up buying chanyeol one of the most expensive guitars that kyungsoo thinks is ridiculously overpriced and is about to tell his boyfriend that he would need fifty blowjobs in return when chanyeol nudges him gently and places a chaste kiss on his lips, giving him a smile reserved for only him after. kyungsoo is breathless. he cuts down the blowjobs to twenty-five and chanyeol is readily obliging.)))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aloha again!!!! next chapter will probably be all the members in the main group chat orrrrrr i could be giving each of them or a pair highlights just to give a backstory or stuff keke


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> baekhyun has a big mouth and never learns his lesson. jongdae is good kid, really.

_poisonouscake: dont get me wrong_

_poisonouscake: i love the quiet_

_poisonouscake: but were living w jongdae and baekhyun and chanyeol together and quiet is not something ud describe a house that has them_

_lord: wud u rather hav dem wreckin havoc_

_jongout: ur so pretentious_

_jongout: u dont even know what a havoc is_

_xiubaby: i was walking past their rooms earlier u kno_

_xiubaby: and both rooms were quiet_

_xiubaby: its fucking scary_

_xiubaby: theyre probably doing a ritual or sumthng u never know how their minds work_

_poisonouscake: I KNOW!!!!_

_poisonouscake: I SWEAR I SAW THEM LAST W KYUNGSOO AND KYUNGSOO WAS NOT IN A G O O D M O O D_

_lord: well since ure the leader y dont u go and find out???_

_jongout: yea u go and find out_

_xiubaby: stop parroting sehun jongin ure not kool_

_jongout: whats not cool is u and luhan dating_

  
_luge has entered the chat._

  
_luge: excuse u_

_luge: sehun control ur man_

_lord: nah_

_lord: i like him feisty_

_xiubaby: whats w u and big words these days_

_xiubaby: is it bcos_

_xiubaby: ure getting_

_xiubaby: big dick????_

_luge: ehem_

_jongout: !!!!!!_

_lord: who says im the one getting it?_

_luge: i fucking love this kid_

_jongout: !!!!!!!_

_xiubaby: !!!!!!!_

_lord: hey wheres suho_

_luge: ded_

_jongout: saw him going to soo's room_

  
_kyungie has entered the chat._

_real_pcy has entered the chat._

  
_kyungie: nobody go to baek and daes rooms_

_luge: why????_

_kyungie: theyre…….._

_kyungie: grounded…….._

_xiubaby: whatd they do now???_

_lord: ???? wheres suho?????_

_jongout: u guys are starting to freak me out_

_luge: dont be a kid jongin its just soo he wouldnt do anything dangerous_

_luge: …….right soo?_

_kyungie: course_

_xiubaby: chanyeol?_

_xiubaby: why are u being quiet??_

_lord: WHERE THE FUCK IS SUHO I NEED HIS MONEY_

_jongout: rude_

_jongout: ur just using him for the card_

_lord: and ur just using me for my dick i guess we cant have we really want aye_

_jongout: OH SEHUN STFU U POTTY MOUTH IM OLDER THAN U_

_lord: doesnt change the fact that u bottom_

_real_pcy: im here seokkie hyung_

_xiubaby: what were u doing????_

_real_pcy: um nothing_

_real_pcy: why???_

_luge: u two are being really suspicious right now wHAT THEHELL ARE U TWO DOING AND WHERE IS BAKEHYUN AND DAE AND JUNMYEON_

_lord: lol bakehyun_

_luge: sehun!!!_

_luge: DO KYUNGSOO ANSWER ME THIS INSTANT_

_real_pcy: soo psl dknt_

_luge: DO KYUNGSOO_

_kyungie: suho is currently getting baekhyun and jongdae out of their rooms without scaring them and chanyeol is currently blowing me_

_luge: ……._

_luge: OhH_

_kyungie: yeah_

_real_pcy: !!!!!!!!!_

_kyungie: focus slut_

_lord: WHAHATATTAHAHTAHATAHAT U TWO ARE SO KINKY WHATAHWTHATWHWTWJ_

_jongout: u have ur own share of kinks too_

_lord: STFU JONGIJ_

_xiubaby: OKAY SO WHY IS SUHO GETTING BAKEHYUN AND JONGDAE OUT OF THEIR ROOMS WHEN THEY ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF DOING SO ON THEIR OWN_

_kyungie: well_

_poisonouscake: kyugnsoo_

_poisonouscake: when and where did u learn to knot this great????!?!??_

_kyungie: school_

_poisonouscake: I AM IN AWE_

_poisonouscake: THAT WAS ALMOST STRONGER THAN REAL HANDCUFFS I AM IMPRESSED GREATLY_

_kyungie: great is my middle name thanks_

_xiubaby: DID U CUFF BAEKHYUN AND JONGDAE IN THEIR ROOMS????!?!??!?!_

_kyungie: they needed to learn their lesson_

_luge: kinky_

_xiubaby: LUHAN!!!!!_

_lord: this is remotely the least likely time to ask this question but soo hyung can u teach me how to knot???_

_jongout: brb gonna go eat chicken and pack my things to china_

  
_jongout has logged off._

  
_lord: pussy_

_poisonouscake: LANGUAGE!!!!_

_lord: whatever mom_

_poisonouscake: NOBODY EVER RESPECTS ME IN THIS HOUSEHOLD I SWEAR ONLY YIXING AND ZITAO TREAT ME GOOD_

_poisonouscake: COME BACK MY KIDS MOMMA MISSES U SOOOOO MUUUUUUCH_

_kyungie: u probably only miss yifan_

_luge: lololololololol_

_poisonouscake: NO I DONT_

_kyungie: yea sure keep blushing_

_poisonouscake: TF SOO U WERE MY FAVORITE FAVORED KID!!!!_  
  
_poisonouscake: I DIDNT EXPECT THIS BETRAYAL_

  
_kyungie has changed poisonouscake's name to suhoe._

  
_xiubaby: nice one soo_

_lord: hey dad is calling me_

_lord: do i answer or do i answer_

_suhoe: NO SHEUN DONT_

_lord: who tf is sheun what is a sheun u are a failure suho_

_lord: u not my mama anymor_

_suhoe: DONT TEST ME BOY_

_kyungie: test him hun_

_suhoe: URE GROUNDED SHEUN_

_lord: shawty imma party till the sun down_

_suhoe: ARE U CALLING ME SHAWTY_

_suhoe: THATS IT URE GROUNDED FOR REAL_

  
_luge has changed lord's username to sheun._

  
_xiubaby: i live for this chat_

_xiubaby: luhan i love u_

_luge: i love u too seok_

_sheun: ew_

_sheun: im answering dad_

_sheun: he says he will come back_

_suhoe: HE WILL?????!?!?_

_kyungie: hoe_

_xiubaby: when???_

_sheun: probably on the next week_

_sheun: says he'll bring the kids_

_suhoe: MY COMPLETE FAMILY_

_suhoe: tell him i love him_

_sheun: he says he will_

_suhoe: what??!?!???_

_suhoe: WHAT DID U SAY TO UR FATHER SHEUN_

_kyungie: SHEUN_

_sheun: i told him u missed his dick and that u wanted sum good ole missionary_

_kyungie: SHEUN IM COOKING U FOOD U THE BEST_

_sheun: THANKS HYUNG UR THE BEST_

_suhoe: I RESIGN FROM THIS FAMILY_

_luge: no ur not_

_luge: u lov this fam as much as u lov ur skin products_

_suhoe: I AM OFFENDED_

_suhoe: I DONT USE PRODUCTS I AM A NATURAL_

_luge: say that to ur 3 drawers of skincare_

_kyungie: EXPOSED_

_kyungie: BUT HEY_

_kyungie: IM MAKING DINNER NOW_

_kyungie: BAEK AND DAE I KNOW UR IN THE CHAT AND READING THIS U CAN NOW GET OUT OF UR ROOMS AND HAVE FUN_

_kyungie: WHAT DO U WANT FOR DINNER?_

_bybbh: SPAGHETTI AND STAKE UR STILL THE BEST SOO I LOVE U U CAN CHAIN ME ANYTIME U WANT I WOULDNT COMPLAIN AT ALL_

_kimdae: I WANT ANYTHING W MEAT SOO I LOVE U_

_kyungie: COOL_

_kyungie: HOW ABOUT THE OTHERS_

_luge: seok is in the shower but he wants some ramyun and i do too_

_luge: thanks soo!_

_kyungie: WELCOME_

_kyungie: SUHO HYUNG_

_suhoe: MEAT MEAT MEAT_

_kyungie: K AND SEHUN AND JONGIN_

_sheun: anything from u is good hyung and jongin agrees_

_kyungie: COOL_

  
_kyungie has logged off._

  
_suhoe: he seems to be in a good mood_

_luge: he hasnt even asked chanyeol what he wanted for dinner yet_

_bybbh: chanyeols probbly too tired to answer_

_kimdae: baekhyun shut ur fucking mouth_

_luge: why???_

_luge: is he sick???_

_kimdae: baekhyun i swear_

_kimdae: i wont fuck u for a month if u open ur mouth_

_suhoe: kids pls this is incest i will not tolerate this!!!!_

_sheun: shut up_

_suhoe: !!!!!!_

_luge: well byun???_

_bybbh: remember that expensive guitar soo bought for yeol?_

_kimdae: BAEKHYUN I HAVE NO INTENTION OF BEING CUFFED AGAIN UNLIKE U I AM NOT THAT KINKY_

_sheun: what about the guitar???? that costs like millions of dollars_

_bybbh: i know_

_bybbh: so_

_bybbh: soo wanted something in return from yeol_

  
_kimdae has left the chat._

  
_sheun: pussy_

_suhoe: u act as if uve seen a real live one_

_sheun: u act as if were ur kids but u dont see us complaining_

_suhoe: DISRESPECTFUL SHEUN!!!!!_

_bybbh: !!!!!!!_

_luge: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT CONTINUE BYUN!!!!!_

_bybbh: ok so_

_bybbh: soo wanted fifty blowjobs right_

_luge: ……_

_luge: 50???_

_bybbh: yea hyung congratulations for knowing ur numbers!!!!!_

_suhoe: I WILL NOT IMAGINE SUCH UNCHASTE THOUGHTS_

_bybbh: u jerk off to yifan everyday_

_suhoe: STFU OR IM CHAINING U THIS TIME_

_bybbh: u dont even kno how to open cuffs???_

_luge: !!!!!!!_

_bybbh: right so_

_bybbh: 50 blowjobs aight_

_bybbh: but then_

_bybbh: chanyeol was like giving him this lovestruck look like he some teenager yes_

_bybbh: and then soo was like ok alright lets cut it down to twenty five_

_bybbh: so_

_bybbh: hes probably knocked out rn_

_real_pcy: ….._

_bybbh: …….._

_bybbh: oh shit_

  
_bybbh has left the chat._

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ot12: *waves hands shyly*
> 
> tao: get out of my way losers the king is here
> 
> baek: where??? i only see a peasant????
> 
> tao: ur words cant hurt me these shades are motherfucking guCcI

_**ot3**   **is suPeRiOR xiUMIN can SEoK my DicK**_

_kimdae: i think im drunk_

_kimdae: hElP???_

_bybbh: u type like u arent_

_kimdae: im not dumb like u_

_bybbh: say bye to the help ur asking hoe_

_kimdae: ur not my only friend_

_bybbh: friend huh_

_bybbh: funny_

_real_pcy: dae where are u_

_real_pcy: dont mind baekhyun hes prissy today_

_kimdae: wdym today u mean everyday_

_real_pcy: ok ur drunk_

_real_pcy: where there hell are u_

_real_pcy: gimmer ur details_

_bybbh: u dont even know how to drive_

_real_pcy: what is a kyungsoo for_

_kimdae: im in this club_

_bybbh: very helpful_

_kimdae: ha ha_

_real_pcy: shut it baek_

_real_pcy: whatever quarrel u have leave it first_

_real_pcy: our friend is drunk_

_kimdae: this new place in gangnam odk the nsme_

_kimdae: tjis sgit isf readlny goiod u knoe_

_kimdae: imma hvae to get u hete sobetime barkhub_

_bybbh: STOP MURDERING MY NAME U ASSHOLE_

_bybbh: AND CHANYEOL GET HIM FAST_

_bybbh: SUHO IS LIKE HAVING A MEETING_

_bybbh: I DONT WANNA ENTER A FIGHT WITHOUT HIM_

_kimdae: ill alwyas pruteft u baeby bioy_

_bybbh: i was talking about kyungsoo u dumbass_

_kimdae: :(_

_real_pcy: NAW BAEK U MADE HIM SAD_

_real_pcy: kyungsoo and i are on the way dae iTS OKAY_

_real_pcy: BAEKHYUNS NOT GONNA MAKE U WANNA USE THAT SAD FACE NO MORE BBY_

_kimdae: :)_

_kimdae: i Luuvr u chavgeyeollieee_

_real_pcy: love u too bro_

_real_pcy: stay still for me_

_kimdae: Okieeeeeer dojieeeee_

_bybbh: fuckjng idiot_

  
_**private chat**._

  
_future mr. kim baekhyun: i love u jongdae_

_chenosaurus: i fucjing lobe u moure_

_future mr. kim baekhyun: get back here fast for me please :(_

_chenosaurus: wilk di baabby_

  
**_group chat._**

  
_bybbh: MY DADDY IS HERE_

_suhoe: ehem_

_kimdae: ehem_

_bybbh: @suhoe u mean no shit to me_

_bybbh: @kimdae i meant dad. ure the only daddy for me mwa_

_kyungie: fuckin gross_

_sheun: kyungsoo can u cook me sumthing delicious i think suho poisoned me_

_kyungie: do i look like a chef to u_

_kimdae: kyungsoo u ARE a chef_

_kimdae: and like_

_kimdae: own 6 fiev stra rsetaunrnts wdym_

_real_pcy: yES SOO IS RICH_

_kyungie: i can always drive u back to gangnam jongdae stfu_

_bybbh: chanyeol does that make u a sugar baby then_

_sheun: i dont think chanyeol likes sugar tho???_

_jongout: can u hear my facepalm from the kitchen_

_xiubaby: the way i heard u moaning from your floor to mine yes jongin i can_

_jongout: LUHAN CONTROL UR MANS_

_luge: i will when u shut up with dem moanz_

_suhoe: KIDS_

_suhoe: BEHAVE URSELVES_

_suhoe: AND GREET UR SIBLINGS NOW_

  
_zztaozii, zhangboy, and yidaddy have entered the chat._

  
_zhangboy: Hello, friends!_

_yidaddy: yixing honey theyre not ur friends theyre ur broz_

_zztaozii: HEY HYUNGS!!!!!!!!!!!_

_suhoe: MY CHILDREN!!!!! HOW HAVE U BEEN!!!!!_

_bybbh: IS THAT MY PET SHEEP YIXING HYUNG???????_

_kyungie: do i have to cook it?_

_kimdae: wTF NO????!??!??_

_bybbh: U ARE HEARTLESS KYUNGSOI_

_sheun: kyungsoo i want to eat sheep_

_kyungie: then sheep u shall eat_

_xiubaby: WTF KYUNGSOO AND SEHUN????_

_luge: theyre growing boys seok let them have their meat the way i let u have urs_

_yidaddy: junmyeon i am disappointed w ur parenting skills_

_suhoe: I SWEAR IT WAS THE PORN SITES FAN I DO NOT TEACH THEM THIS PLS_

_xiubaby: luhan u are disgusting_

_jongout: what do u mean lu????_

_sheun: its nothing innie hes just being his dumb self_

_zztaozii: DAAAAAAAAAAAD MOOOOOOOOOM I NEEEEEEED ATTEEEEEEENTIIIIOOOOOON_

_zhangboy: You have been asking for that since you were born, Zitao. You are being annoying._

_zztaozii: I AAMMMM NOOOOOOT UGH DAAAAAAAAD_

_yidaddy: shut it zitao_

_yidaddy: yixing son thank u for ur patience go play with ur bros now_

_zhangboy: Okay, dad! You're the best!_

_yidaddy: i know son i know_

_bybbh: HYUNG PLAY W ME_

_real_pcy: CAN I PET UR PET SHEEP?!??!?_

_zhangboy: Yes! I never knew Korea would be this happy!_

  
_zhangboy, real_pcy, and bybbh has logged out._

  
_kyungie: jongdae_

_kimdae: CAPTAIN_

_kyungie: help me in the kitchen_

_kimdae: AYE AYE CAPTAIN_

_suhoe: before u two log out_

_suhoe: is there anything u want to say to ur dad?_

_yidaddy: dada is waiting kids_

_kyungie: ugh_

_kyungie: hi dad_

_kyungie: were happy to see u again i guess_

_kimdae: WHAT SOO SAID_

_sheun: cook already hyuuuuuuung_

_yidaddy: thanks kids_

_yidaddy: dada is so p r o u d_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UHUH


	6. Chapter 6

_kimdae: !!!!!!!!¡¡¡¡¡¡¡_

_kimdae: jongin just got himself a sugar daddy_

_yidaddy: i didnt know my son sehuno was rich_

_jongout: JONGDAE STOP RUNNING UR MOUTH_

_jongout: also no_

_jongout: sehuns not my daddy he broke af_

_suhoe: did u just drag my favorite son????_

_kyungie: i thought i was ur favorite one?_

_kyungie: backstabbing bitch_

_yidaddy: now now soo baby_

_yidaddy: is that anyway to speak to ur momma???_

_real_pcy: hey dad_

_yidaddy: yea son_

_real_pcy: dont call him that_

_yidaddy: ok son_

_kimdae: ill run my mouth anytime and anyway i want jongin i aM SUPERIOR_

_xiubaby: yea keep telling urself that………..,_

_luge: dont encourage him seok_

_xiubaby: i suddenly hear evil voices_

_luge: what THe ShIt?????!?_

_suhoe: soo u r my favorite favored one bby dont get upset at me_

_kyungie: 2 late_

_kyungie: say hi to the food ill never cook 4 u_

_bybbh: u seem to have an addiction in making numbers spell out your words dyo_

_kyungie: and u seem to have an addiction in not minding ur own business pyon_

_kimdae: ooh ooooooh_

_suhoe: jongdae stop hyping them_

_jongout: y u suddenly doing the strict mom act_

_jongout: u not my mom_

_real_pcy: and u certainly not strict_

_suhoe: everytime i come out i feel attacked zitao protecc me_

_zztaozii: why dont u ask me that when im ur favorite kid again_

_zhangboy: p e t t y_

_xiubaby: uve been hanging out too much w the 3 idiots xing_

_zhangboy: thats bc ur too busy blowing a nonexistent flute seok_

_sheun: BIG OOF_

_luge: meet me outside and cash deez hands xing u bout to see the biggest flute in history_

_bybbh: why is sehun sheun_

_sheun: i am baptized_

_jongout: u only come out when we talk about luhan are u cheating on me_

_kyungie: where we jumpin to ladies_

_kimdae: C O N C L U S I O N S_

_real_pcy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA SOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SOO YOURE SO FUNNY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH_

_kimdae: …..,…..,.,.,_

_kimdae: i was literally the one who delivered the punch line and i didnt get the multiple but unnecessary hahas_

_kyungie: baekhyun gave him too much sugar dae_

_suhoe: let him have his moment_

_bybbh: WHY IS EVERYONE BLAMING ME_

_zhangboy: bc u p e t t y_

_yidaddy: yixing we didnt come all the way from china to here for u to say petty all the time_

_zhangboy: …….._

_yidaddy: i dar e u_

_zhangboy: p e t t y_

_bybbh: WHO TAUGHT U THAT WORD_

_zhangboy: literally u_

_sheun: OOF_

_xiubaby: stop oofing u not a dog_

_sheun: are u implying that only dogs can oof???_

_sheun: this is a form of seclusion at its highest level i will not tolerate such aBUSE_

_jongout: stfu u just whining i have a sugar daddy_

_sheun: BIG FUCKING OOF_

_kyungie: if u wont stop oofing i swear ill make u dog and chain u with a leash idiot_

_kimdae: ……._

_bybbh: …….._

_suhoe: ……._

_zhangboy: ……..…_

_yidaddy: ………._

_zztaozii: …….._

_luge: …..…_

_xiubaby: ………_

_jongout: …..…._

_sheun: cHOke Me DaddY_

_real_pcy: 11/10 would recommend 183/10 def would try again_

_yidaddy: !!!!! myeon!!!!!!!_

_yidaddy: u have corrupted my kids!!!!!!!_

_jongout: sheun u are a disgrace to the fam_

_luge: i have raised u well soo im proud_

_kyungie: pretentious motherfuckers_

_kyungie: dont even act innocent when i hear u guys in my room every night screaming harder daddy like ur getting paid for it_

_kyungie: u disgust me_

_kimdae: but do we really?????_

_bybbh: a twig would like to oppose_

_kyungie: i know no twig_

_sheun: WHO NEEDS A DADDY WHEN U HAVE A KYUNGSOO @jongout_

_bybbh: agreed_

_kimdae: agreed_

_jongout: agreed_

_real_pcy: backoff losers_

_real_pcy: that daddy already has a baby_

_real_pcy: and ur talking to him_

_suhoe: all this daddy issues make me fucking dizzy u guys are dirty_

_zhangboy: u d dirtiest tho_

_zztaozii: i go inside ur room and i see mountains of clothes all over_

_zhangboy: i wasnt talking about that kind of dirty tho…….,.._

_luge: xing ur disgusting_

_yidaddy: but y do u come over his room???_

_sheun: card_

_sheun: we need it to game_

_suhoe: my kids are abusing me fan do something_

_yidaddy: why should i do sumthing??_

_bybbh: uh oh_

_real_pcy: gotta blast_

_sheun: yifan ur a mean dad_

_sheun: u hav no ryt to hurt hyung like that_

_jongout: ive never heard sheun call junmyeon hyung_

_xiubaby: !!!!!!!_

_zitao: kris u don fucked up_

_zhangboy: its okay myeon ill treat u ice cream later_

_suhoe: no no_

_suhoe: its cool u guys_

_suhoe: ig i just misunderstood some things.._

_sheun: NO U DIDNT_

_sheun: YIFAN IS A BAD PARENT_

_sheun: DADS ARENT SUPPOSED TO TREAT MOMS LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_kimdae: hun calm tf down_

_sheun: SHUT UR STUPID MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!_

_kyungie: calm down sehun_

_sheun: ok_

_kimdae: fuckity_

_yidaddy: listen kids_

_sheun: NO_

_zztaozi: how bout no_

_yidaddy: i demand u to listen_

_yidaddy: ur mom and i are going thru a ruf patch atm_

_xiubaby: u text ridiculously cheery for someone admitting to going thru a "ruf patch"_

_luge: i call lies_

_luge: were u seeing someone else in china??_

_yidaddy: u wound me_

_suhoe: han dont be like that!!!!_

_yidaddy: actually_

_sheun: SAVE IT_

_sheun: I DONT WANNA HEAR UR PETTY EXCUSES_

_zhangboy: p e t t y_

  
_sheun removed yidaddy from the group chat._

  
_suhoe: sehunnie that was unnecessary_

_sheun: dont act like ur not hurt bcos i know u are_

_real_pcy: i can literally hear ur ugly crying face hyung its ok_

_sheun: yes yes now stfu and let soo cook u food_

_kyungie: i wont even reject_

_suhoe: thanks kids_

_sheun: we lov u mom_

_kimdae: me 2_

_bybbh: me 3_

_jongout: me 4_

_zztaozii: me 5_

_zhangboy: me 6_

_xiubaby: me 7_

_luge: me 8_

_real_pcy: me 9_

_suhoe: soo?_

_real_pcy: soos in the kitchen but he says he loves u the most_

  
_sheun changed suhoe's nickname to mamamyeon._

  
_mamamyeon: my kids :)_

_mamamyeon: love u guys_

_mamamyeon: its gonna be okay_

 


End file.
